Be Loyal to Those Absent
by Stephen R. Covey, July 1994
Being loyal to
those who are absent and assuming good faith of
others are keys to building trust in a culture. The ultimate test of
principle-centered leadership is to be loyal to people who are absent
when their names come up in conversations and meetings. When other
people are not with you, they're in the dark they don't know what's
happening, what you're saying about them, and whether you are loyal to
them. And that's when you show your true character. That doesn't mean
you're not critical. You could be critical. But you're constructively
critical and loyal to the point that you would not be ashamed if they
happened to overhear the conversation, or if word got back to them, as
it often does. You don't just sit on the sideline cutting, labeling, and
stereotyping people and then look for evidence to support it.
Four Short Stories
Perhaps a few stories will help make this point.
Story 1. Once I was a faculty member at a
university in Hawaii. I was very upset about our housing situation, and
so I went directly to the president, since he worked with me on my
visiting professorship. In the meeting, I complained about his housing
director, who seemed to me to be incompetent and uncaring.
The president immediately said to me, "Stephen, I'm
sorry to hear about your housing situation, but I want you to know that
our housing director is a very fine and competent person. Why don't we
have him come here right now so we can solve the problem together." Can
you see how loyal the president was toward that man? I was embarrassed
because the president was so right in what he was doing. I hesitated to
say to him, "No, you go ahead and handle it. I just wanted you to be
aware of the problem," because he was forcing me to take the responsible
position, too. Well, the president got on the phone and invited this
man to join us. Soon I could see this guy walking across the campus.
Meanwhile, I was thinking, "I wonder if I communicated clearly? Maybe
I'm partly responsible for this mess." By the time the housing director
arrived, I was very mellow and humble. I was also very impressed by the
character of this president, by his loyalty to the absent, even though
it was embarrassing to me. The president was teaching me a correct
principle the hard way.
When the housing director entered the room, my whole
spirit had changed. I was nice to the guy: "How are you? Nice to see
you." Just minutes before, I was criticizing the guy behind his back, so
the president could sense my duplicity, adding to my embarrassment. But
this was a powerful learning experience for me. I learned not to talk
behind people's backs in ways that I would be ashamed to have them
overhear.
People who are present know you would do the same
thing to them, especially if there was a strain on your relationship.
Story 2. One time I told this story in a
speech. After my speech, an executive vice president of a large bank
came up to me and said, "I've had a similar experience. I visited a
branch bank and was served by one of the tellers. The service was so
poor that I complained to the department head about the woman who served
me. Most department heads are so awed by my very presence that they can
hardly even deal with me. But this department head said, 'I'm sorry to
hear about your bad experience. She's such a fine person. Let's call her
in and talk this through together. Maybe you can tell her directly what
your experience was.'" The VP then said to the department head, "No, go
ahead and handle it. I just wanted you to be aware. I don't want to get
involved." But the department head said to this executive VP, "Well I
know that if it were me, I'd want to get involved. If you were this
teller, wouldn't you want to be involved?"
Imagine the courage it took for this department head
to deal with the executive vice president of the bank in that direct,
truthful manner. The answer was so self-evident: "Yeah, I guess I
would." "Well, then, let's call her in." So she came in, and they dealt
with it. The person received the feedback, and it was handled in a
responsible way.
The vice president then told me, "Later when we were
trying to select a president for one of our branch banks, I nominated
this department head totally on the basis of that experience, because I
knew if he would have such courage, honesty, and loyalty to someone who
wasn't there in the face of a highly positioned individual, he would
handle other matters with integrity. So I nominated that person to be
the new president without knowing anything more about him."
Story 3. Once a manager of a remote service
station trained his new attendants how to make higher margin revenue
from customers who drove into the station by teaching the attendants how
to find problems inside a car that weren't there. So, when a car pulls
in, the manager first sees the plates and says, "Notice this is an
out-of-towner. That means you'll probably never see the person again. So
probe to learn if the person knows anything about his car. Talk to him
about some technical thing under the hood.
You might say, 'Your starting motor looks like it
might go out on you.' If the person says, 'Starting motor?
What's that?' then you know you've got a total idiot,
so you can do whatever you want." You then say, "Well, if it were my
car, I wouldn't want to take a chance with my starting motor, especially
driving through the desert. I could be stranded." "I can't have that
happen. What should I do?" "Well, we could give you a good deal on a new
one. I'll sell you one at cost and throw in all the labor free." So the
victim thinks, "What a deal I got! I only had to pay $200 for the
starting motor. It was normally $349 with labor." But the manager winks
at his attendants, knowing he has a 40-percent margin built into the
price of the motor.
Later, the attendants huddle and say to each other,
"Now, if this guy would do that to his customers, how is he going to
deal with us?" Each attendant knows that the manager will look for ways
to cheat them as well.
Story 4. Once I was at the Canadian border, and
I went into this store where there was a "half-price sale" going on. I
started looking at a leather coat marked 50 percent off. I was the only
customer in the store, but there were two salespeople and the
owner-manager. The manager said to me, "What a deal this is." He really
sold me on it. The coat fit me well, and I liked it. I then said to him,
"Even with this discount, it could be expensive. How much duty would I
have to pay?" He said, "None. You don't have to pay anything on this." I
said, "Well, it says on the customs form that I must declare everything
I purchase abroad." He said, "Don't worry about it. Just wear it.
Everyone else does it." I said, "But I signed the form."
He said, "Listen, mister, everyone does it. They won't
even ask you questions. Just wear the coat when you cross the border.
Don't worry about it." And I said, "Well, the thing that worries me most
is what these two gentlemen behind you might think now about how you
will deal with them on matters of commission, career training, and
things of this nature." The manager and the two salespeople all blushed.
So What 's the Big Deal?
Now, you might say, "Every organization has its
competitors and its enemies. Why is it such a big deal to talk about
them in a cavalier or casual way?"
It's a big deal because if you allow people around you
to stereotype, castigate, and label others, you basically tell them
that you would make snide remarks about them behind their backs. You
tell them that you're not centered on principles; you're seeking gain,
pleasure, or popularity at someone else's expense.
If you talk loosely about a customer, you will likely
talk loosely about employees. I think the key to the 99 is the one. If
people know that if you treat one person with respect, then under a
different circumstance you would likely treat them the same way, even if
there was some strain or pressure added. In meetings, we often talk
about people who are not in attendance in demeaning ways to undermine
their position or cut their credibility in the eyes of others.
Many times I have defended people who are absent from
meetings. I won't allow people around me to label and castigate those
who are absent. When a glib remark is made, I'll say, "Wait a minute.
That's not the way we want to talk about people." I may also point out
what good that person has done. I may also be critical of the person,
but I would not be ashamed to have the person there. When you defend the
do the same thing for them. Sure, it takes courage to speak up at the
time. It's much easier to just say nothing.
But I believe that if we have a chance to defend
others or to speak up for our cherished beliefs and values, we need to
do it. For example, I was talking to my son, Sean, about the debates at
Harvard University regarding traditional family values. I counseled him
not to take people on with a combative spirit and not to be the judge
of others, but to speak up for the family and to do everything he can to
preserve the traditional family.
Other Ways to Be Loyal
What are some other ways to be loyal? Here are seven.
1. Defend the defenseless the outcast, the
underdog, the low person on the totem pole, the minority, the scapegoat.
I like what Dag Hammerskold said: "It is more noble to give yourself
completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation
of the masses."
When we attend to the one, it shows our character, and
affects the many. Just look what we do in a democracy to preserve the
rights of the one, even though we don't do it perfect justice. We aspire
to the ideal of justice.
2. Anticipate discussion and get clearance.
Suppose you know in advance of a meeting where some controversial person
and position will be discussed. It would be wise to call that person
and say, "I know you can't be present, but would it be all right if I
talk about you or represent your position in this way?"
3. Call the person after the discussion and report
what was said. You could call the person and say, "This is what
happened, and this is what was said, and here is what we did."
This is very important when you think what was said
might get misrepresented. You might say, "I want to be clear on my
intentions and what I said."
4. Think of the customers who are not present.
The whole quality movement focuses on the customer. Business has
gradually come to realize that customers and suppliers - all
stakeholders -must be treated with respect.
5. Bring up the background of the person or the
context of the event. With more geographic distance and cultural
diversity, there's more potential for divisiveness and differences.
When a person is being demeaned or talked about in a
negative way, you may need to remind others: "This person is from a
different culture or background, so rather than be such harsh critics,
let's try to understand and give them the benefit of the doubt."
6. Give people a chance to explain or defend their
position or the circumstance in the next meeting. Every person wants
his or her day in court a chance to explain what happened and why.
7. Bring up the bright side, the positive side of
the person. Once when I was meeting with members of a project team,
team members started bashing a person whom they perceived to be a
competitor. I said, "I don't think he would be comfortable with that
judgment. I think he deserves better. He's one of the great presenters
of our time."
People often have an unconscious energy about negative
gossip. They may sense that their name is being used in vain, that
their enemies are conspiring against them. I think that's more common
than we know. I think people have a sixth sense for when they're being
slighted. Also, I see that many "idle words" spoken in "secret" or
written without consideration are later published or broadcast.
So, one of the best reasons for defending people who
are absent is that those idle words - those character assassinations,
hasty judgments, and poor decisions - won't come back to haunt you.
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